Staying Safe In Beirut

By definition, there are not a great many rules in war. However, there are a few -- and 2007 Beirut is no exception. With this in mind, I have taken the liberty to write up a list of rules for staying safe in Lebanon. It is meant for a new arrival to this part of the world (though I am not quite sure who that may be), not quite sure what they are getting themselves in to.

While the perceptive reader might detect a certain flippancy to my tone, this does not suggest a rejection of the rules' validity. On the contrary, there is a certain truth to each of them. If they seem absurd, the blame lies in the reality of Lebanese life, not the rules themselves. Now, without further ado:

• Rule 1. Immediately after a bomb goes off, the rest of Lebanon becomes one of the safest places on the world. One of the safest times to go out in Lebanon is after an explosion. This is because the terrorists would never set two bombs in one night -- it is one of the first rules in the Terrorist's Handbook.

• Rule 2. After a neighborhood has been bombed, it is safe. See also: Terrorist's Handbook. After all, Lebanon is a big place and there are only so many bombs in the world.

• Rule 3. After a large bomb attack, there will be a brief lull in the violence. It is completely safe to venture out in this period. During this time, the terrorists hold celebratory potluck dinners which distract them from carrying out additional violence.

• Rule 4. The bombs only come out in late evening and nighttime. If you are home before 8 p.m., you are safe. While this rule has been challenged recently, it remains widely believed. The fact is that terrorists are notoriously late risers, and their vaguely vampire-like habits make them more apt to carry out attacks at night.

• Rule 5. Please consult your neighbors and local dekken owners for neighborhood-specific reasons why the area in which you live is completely safe. They will be happy to provide answers. In Hamra, the reasons include the proximity of two major universities, and the presence of foreigners (which is bizarre, considering that Fatah al-Islam does not appear to have any qualms on this front).